As I struggled today not to be in a complete state of depression, I thought about my current situation. We picked up the kids Sunday at the concert and enjoyed bringing them home. When we got here, they said it was like Home makeover, since they had yet to see their new rooms. That was kind of fun. They were really thrilled that the house was nice and both said that it made them feel like "They belonged here". We spent monday going over some new rules, unloading the car and just hanging out together. Yesterday we had to do some regular chores and back to normal things and by today, the attitude from them was one of either, "we wish we were in school already", or "we wish we were still at Grandmas". All the special planning to do fun stuff these next 2 weeks together look "boring" to them. And it crushed my heart and my spirit. As I shuffled through tears all day long, realizing that they didn't want to have anything to do with me and my "neat ideas", my heart ached in pain. My own children didn't want to have anything to do with me. And that is when it hit me. I am getting a taste of my own medicine.
I am a child of God. How many days to I think His ideas are "neat"? How many days do I want to just "hang" with Him? Or would I rather do something else with someone else?
That made me even more sad. How much my heart was breaking was only a small amount to the pain I make God suffer everyday with my selfish motives and thoughts and plans.
As I try to muster my disappointment again, I am going to try to chew on that thought and I just wanted to share it with you all.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
A week without my identity
Since I last wrote, I have lost my identity.
Now, if you have been a mother for very long, you can totally identify with what I mean.
When I last wrote, the kids and i were headed to Bridge Creek. We did that, and met someone there. Lorna. She had needed to come back to Oklahoma to take Grandma home due to medical issues and wondered if she could take the kids with her. They had talked all year about the possibility of going alone to Texas, but it came sooner than I had expected. However, with so much left to do to make the house livable and with the kids growing more and more bored with my having to do all the yuck stuff, we decided it would be good for everyone. The kids would get to spend some time with their grandparents doing fun things and I could focus on finishing up the house so that when they get back, there will be no more cardboard and I can actually enjoy their company.
However, it has been almost a week, and I don't know if I can make it much longer. The house is way too quiet and not getting to tuck them in every night and kiss their little faces hurts. I feel like only part of a person. I know people laugh about when they become parents they lose their first names. They become "so-& so's mom", but I take great pride and honor in bearing my kids names, so when they are gone and I don't hear "mom", but instead I hear, "meow, and bark", I feel a little missing.
I have called them every night since they got to Texas and they are having a lot of fun, but I am counting the days until they get back and I can hold them in my arms again. I realize how fast they grow up and it has crossed my mind several times about when they are 18, what in the world will I do when they are old enough to leave?
Being blessed to be a mother is more of an honor than I ever knew and I can only hope that I do them justice when they return and we have 2 weeks until school starts.
Speaking of, I am going to have to resign my position at Norman Public schools this fall. I thought that maybe I could still do it, but with the rising price of fuel, we will save a lot more money if I just stay home and maybe sub at the kids school a few days a week. I am looking forward to that and yet a little bit sad because I loved the ladies I worked with. I am sure they will understand.
Anyways, just feeling a little lost this week, but allowing my motivation to be that there will be nothing left to do when the kids are back so that we can enjoy each other's company. We will pick them up in Dallas on Saturday when we all meet at the Ernie Haase concert. I hope Noel and Lorna are enjoying them because I sure am missing them!!
Will write again when I get a chance. Until then, I hope you all are keeping cool!!
Now, if you have been a mother for very long, you can totally identify with what I mean.
When I last wrote, the kids and i were headed to Bridge Creek. We did that, and met someone there. Lorna. She had needed to come back to Oklahoma to take Grandma home due to medical issues and wondered if she could take the kids with her. They had talked all year about the possibility of going alone to Texas, but it came sooner than I had expected. However, with so much left to do to make the house livable and with the kids growing more and more bored with my having to do all the yuck stuff, we decided it would be good for everyone. The kids would get to spend some time with their grandparents doing fun things and I could focus on finishing up the house so that when they get back, there will be no more cardboard and I can actually enjoy their company.
However, it has been almost a week, and I don't know if I can make it much longer. The house is way too quiet and not getting to tuck them in every night and kiss their little faces hurts. I feel like only part of a person. I know people laugh about when they become parents they lose their first names. They become "so-& so's mom", but I take great pride and honor in bearing my kids names, so when they are gone and I don't hear "mom", but instead I hear, "meow, and bark", I feel a little missing.
I have called them every night since they got to Texas and they are having a lot of fun, but I am counting the days until they get back and I can hold them in my arms again. I realize how fast they grow up and it has crossed my mind several times about when they are 18, what in the world will I do when they are old enough to leave?
Being blessed to be a mother is more of an honor than I ever knew and I can only hope that I do them justice when they return and we have 2 weeks until school starts.
Speaking of, I am going to have to resign my position at Norman Public schools this fall. I thought that maybe I could still do it, but with the rising price of fuel, we will save a lot more money if I just stay home and maybe sub at the kids school a few days a week. I am looking forward to that and yet a little bit sad because I loved the ladies I worked with. I am sure they will understand.
Anyways, just feeling a little lost this week, but allowing my motivation to be that there will be nothing left to do when the kids are back so that we can enjoy each other's company. We will pick them up in Dallas on Saturday when we all meet at the Ernie Haase concert. I hope Noel and Lorna are enjoying them because I sure am missing them!!
Will write again when I get a chance. Until then, I hope you all are keeping cool!!
Monday, July 14, 2008
Thankful!!
That is the best word I am feeling at this point in July. I know that seems to completely contradict what my last post was about, however, when I fill you in, you will understand. I wrote that post and as I am aware, God knows our thoughts and the deepest pain in our heart.
So, I woke up the following morning, hoping that God would speak to me in church with words from someone else who had actually listened to Him that week, and what I got was a double.
In sunday school class, which by the way, I love!!!, we started a new section and it was about acknowledging Jesus for who He is. We, of all things, took a look at one chapter in Revelation and didn't talk about end times. We talked about the fact that it says who He is and what He is worthy of. And that He is the answer for all of our situations. That was a softener for what Bruce had to say. His focus was on the fact that Satan is a thief and Jesus is our shepherd. That Satan wants to distract us from hearing what God wants to speak in our lives. If we are going through a difficult time, God is closer than ever to guide us, but we have to chose to listen to his voice. Satan knows that if he can distract us with all the little things that we will lose our joy and not be able to hear what God is saying because we are tuning Him out by seeing all the things Satan is pointing out to keep us away from the message of love that God speaks in all circumstances. It was an awesome morning. I walked away feeling like a new person, like everyone had made Jesus a little more real to me and that my situation isn't more than God can see and that actually, He has a message to teach me, if I would just look to see it and not all the inconveniences.
We then got a call from Chris' parents that they were in the area and wanted to do lunch and help us however we needed. In the process of that day, Lorna had written a very heartfelt note about her past and how she had struggled with keeping focused on Jesus when things dont go the way you wish. It was a good visit with them. Chris and his dad worked until really late on the storage shed. Then, Monday, Misty offered to take the kids for the afternoon so that I could do some more work and the kids could get a break. I was truly grateful for that. She also invited Chris and I over for hot dogs for supper. It was a wonderful day and Chris and I got 2 more loads from storage. Our fellowship with them that evening was a God-send.
On Wednesday, I woke up to hear about my cousin who had her second baby at home. I couldn't imagine the fear and uncomfortablity of going through that, but to hear that she and her new daughter were fine was a true blessing. My goal that day was to send something to her and to get my shower gift to Tim and Heidi out in the mail, as well as the insurance claim. However, on the way, our tire blew. Here was my big chance to see how I was going to handle inconvenience this week. :-) At first, my thought was of frustration. I couldn't remember the last time I had changed a tire, but it had been a while. Also, I was seeing Nathaniel turning green before my eyes due to the extreme heat. I muttered that if anyone came by and offered us $100 for our car, I would gladly take it. Then it occured to me that I needed to ask God for his help. Genius, I know. So, to keep the kids distracted, I asked them to tell me some memory verses they knew to help me get the lugnuts off. As they quoted some Psalms, I managed to get 4 of the 5 off. By the second set of verses, a man wearing an apron and military pants walked up and offered some help. In about 15 seconds, he had pulled the tire and put on the donut. He also suggested a good way to get to a place where I could buy a new tire. I thanked him and the kids crawled into the car. I told them we should thank God for sending help and as we did, I was glad I hadn't blown up. When we were done praying, the man had mysteriously disappeared, just as he had just walked up, he walked away. I am not for sure where he came from, but the kids are sure he was an angel sent by God.
Anyways, we got the tire replaced and spent the afternoon with Clyde, Violet, Noel and Lorna before they headed back to Texas. Another good day. And I did get my mail sent!! (Tim and Heidi, I hope you were showered with mail last week. That was the goal us sisters had anyways!!)
Thursday I visited with Karen and that was a great time. We, the kids and I, did some more storage work. When we woke up Friday morning, Mom and Dad arrived to help finish up our move. Dad and Chris looked at how to repair the uneven, unshingled storage shed and made a list of supplies. Mom and I set it in our minds we would hit storage as best as we could. So, a trip to Norman and 3 vehicles full of stuff later, we all were very busy. The roof and building were secured thanks to my Dad's wonderful knowledge and patience, and many items and my kids were taken care of thanks to my Mom, including a really nice pork dinner!!
Friday night, unknown to us until Saturday, my mom had an episode where she thought a blood clot was moving up her leg toward her heart. My dad said he hadn't seen her in that much pain ever. She took 4 asprin and made a turnique(sp?) out of Dad's belt and waited it out. Now, a little history, she has had clots before and her father passed away with something to do with that kind of history, so it wasn't just an oh well thing. She made some phone calls Saturday morning to decide what she wanted to do, since she felt better, but didn't want to get up and do a lot and have something bad happen, so dad and I worked on the storage shed for a while and the kids watched tv. Then we all headed to Norman to take her to the ER to get her leg checked. We loaded up more storage and it was found that the clot had dissolved and that she needed to continue asprin until she could see her regular physician and to "be a good girl".
We blew up fire works and watched tv that night.
Sunday, we went to church and then got back to work. The shed was completely finished by 6:30pm and it was set in Dad's mind that there would be no big items in storage by the time they went home, so one more trip left, we took care of that and they headed back, leaving us with a much more at-home feeling, and very thankful that Mom was alright and that Dad had given so much of himself.
Today we took the last of the boxes out of storage and met Misty in Newcastle for storytime. After a great visit, we met Chris at Cici's for supper and came home to finish up cleaning up the yard from the debris of storage dump:-)
We are headed to Bridge Creek tomorrow morning to let the kids play on the playground and to see when they need to get registered for school. I am just so thankful that in all things, God is in control and on the throne, just like I know He is all the time!! He truly is so good!!!
Living in His wonderful care until next time...!
So, I woke up the following morning, hoping that God would speak to me in church with words from someone else who had actually listened to Him that week, and what I got was a double.
In sunday school class, which by the way, I love!!!, we started a new section and it was about acknowledging Jesus for who He is. We, of all things, took a look at one chapter in Revelation and didn't talk about end times. We talked about the fact that it says who He is and what He is worthy of. And that He is the answer for all of our situations. That was a softener for what Bruce had to say. His focus was on the fact that Satan is a thief and Jesus is our shepherd. That Satan wants to distract us from hearing what God wants to speak in our lives. If we are going through a difficult time, God is closer than ever to guide us, but we have to chose to listen to his voice. Satan knows that if he can distract us with all the little things that we will lose our joy and not be able to hear what God is saying because we are tuning Him out by seeing all the things Satan is pointing out to keep us away from the message of love that God speaks in all circumstances. It was an awesome morning. I walked away feeling like a new person, like everyone had made Jesus a little more real to me and that my situation isn't more than God can see and that actually, He has a message to teach me, if I would just look to see it and not all the inconveniences.
We then got a call from Chris' parents that they were in the area and wanted to do lunch and help us however we needed. In the process of that day, Lorna had written a very heartfelt note about her past and how she had struggled with keeping focused on Jesus when things dont go the way you wish. It was a good visit with them. Chris and his dad worked until really late on the storage shed. Then, Monday, Misty offered to take the kids for the afternoon so that I could do some more work and the kids could get a break. I was truly grateful for that. She also invited Chris and I over for hot dogs for supper. It was a wonderful day and Chris and I got 2 more loads from storage. Our fellowship with them that evening was a God-send.
On Wednesday, I woke up to hear about my cousin who had her second baby at home. I couldn't imagine the fear and uncomfortablity of going through that, but to hear that she and her new daughter were fine was a true blessing. My goal that day was to send something to her and to get my shower gift to Tim and Heidi out in the mail, as well as the insurance claim. However, on the way, our tire blew. Here was my big chance to see how I was going to handle inconvenience this week. :-) At first, my thought was of frustration. I couldn't remember the last time I had changed a tire, but it had been a while. Also, I was seeing Nathaniel turning green before my eyes due to the extreme heat. I muttered that if anyone came by and offered us $100 for our car, I would gladly take it. Then it occured to me that I needed to ask God for his help. Genius, I know. So, to keep the kids distracted, I asked them to tell me some memory verses they knew to help me get the lugnuts off. As they quoted some Psalms, I managed to get 4 of the 5 off. By the second set of verses, a man wearing an apron and military pants walked up and offered some help. In about 15 seconds, he had pulled the tire and put on the donut. He also suggested a good way to get to a place where I could buy a new tire. I thanked him and the kids crawled into the car. I told them we should thank God for sending help and as we did, I was glad I hadn't blown up. When we were done praying, the man had mysteriously disappeared, just as he had just walked up, he walked away. I am not for sure where he came from, but the kids are sure he was an angel sent by God.
Anyways, we got the tire replaced and spent the afternoon with Clyde, Violet, Noel and Lorna before they headed back to Texas. Another good day. And I did get my mail sent!! (Tim and Heidi, I hope you were showered with mail last week. That was the goal us sisters had anyways!!)
Thursday I visited with Karen and that was a great time. We, the kids and I, did some more storage work. When we woke up Friday morning, Mom and Dad arrived to help finish up our move. Dad and Chris looked at how to repair the uneven, unshingled storage shed and made a list of supplies. Mom and I set it in our minds we would hit storage as best as we could. So, a trip to Norman and 3 vehicles full of stuff later, we all were very busy. The roof and building were secured thanks to my Dad's wonderful knowledge and patience, and many items and my kids were taken care of thanks to my Mom, including a really nice pork dinner!!
Friday night, unknown to us until Saturday, my mom had an episode where she thought a blood clot was moving up her leg toward her heart. My dad said he hadn't seen her in that much pain ever. She took 4 asprin and made a turnique(sp?) out of Dad's belt and waited it out. Now, a little history, she has had clots before and her father passed away with something to do with that kind of history, so it wasn't just an oh well thing. She made some phone calls Saturday morning to decide what she wanted to do, since she felt better, but didn't want to get up and do a lot and have something bad happen, so dad and I worked on the storage shed for a while and the kids watched tv. Then we all headed to Norman to take her to the ER to get her leg checked. We loaded up more storage and it was found that the clot had dissolved and that she needed to continue asprin until she could see her regular physician and to "be a good girl".
We blew up fire works and watched tv that night.
Sunday, we went to church and then got back to work. The shed was completely finished by 6:30pm and it was set in Dad's mind that there would be no big items in storage by the time they went home, so one more trip left, we took care of that and they headed back, leaving us with a much more at-home feeling, and very thankful that Mom was alright and that Dad had given so much of himself.
Today we took the last of the boxes out of storage and met Misty in Newcastle for storytime. After a great visit, we met Chris at Cici's for supper and came home to finish up cleaning up the yard from the debris of storage dump:-)
We are headed to Bridge Creek tomorrow morning to let the kids play on the playground and to see when they need to get registered for school. I am just so thankful that in all things, God is in control and on the throne, just like I know He is all the time!! He truly is so good!!!
Living in His wonderful care until next time...!
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Missing old friends!
Well, since I last wrote, it has been nothing but sort, sort and sort in storage. In addition to that, it is hot here. I really have been struggling. The kids are bored out of their mind and have been really good at doing all the boring things with me. I am tired of pulling boxes out of the 100+ storage to sort it in the hot sun and throw the moldy stuff away and wipe the salvagable stuff down with bleach wipes and squeeze as much as I can in the car.
I am exhausted because at night, when I really need to be asleep, I am overwhelmed with all the stuff still to do. This week I really struggled with just wishing we could have gone back in time and still lived at "home" in St. Joe. I miss Brett, Amy, Abram and Sophie more than ever. Living with them was "home". We could be ourselves and have a good time and there was someone to confide in and lean on and share cleaning advice and fireworks with and we all could sit outside and enjoy the racoons. :-).
I miss them more this week than ever. As much as I am thankful God has given us a nice place, I am so exhausted from the trials that He has allowed to come our way. I thought it would bring our family closer together, but in actuality, once again, it is me doing all the hard work and feeling frustrated that I am the only one interested in making this a place where people can come and hang out. I think at this point, I would buy the lot next to us and buy a house to put there if I could have Brett, Amy and their family here with us. I guess they were so much like family to us than anything we have ever experienced with friends. And with all that has happened so far this summer, I don't know when we will see them again. We had hoped to see them this summer and spend more time together than we did over spring break.
Anyways, please be praying for us, especially me. I am afraid of what my exhaustion and overwhelmed feelings will do to my family. We are still eating on the floor and sitting in lawn chairs. I need help checking the huge furniture over to either toss it or wipe it down but I can't do it alone. I tried to tip the couch over the last time the kids and I were in storage and I about flipped it on myself.
I wanted to do something fun with the kids yesterday to reward them for being so patient in all this. We were going to spend the entire day at the Tuttle ice cream festival. We went to the parade and saw it with Josh and Misty and Dacia. Then we headed to the festival. Nathaniel entered the ice cream eating contest for the boys 6-8 category and won 4th place. He was really proud. Then they played in a huge pile of sand they had there and we rode on a little train for free and they both dunked a police officer in the dunk tank. Then we watched the turtle races, which was really cool. Off and on during this we kept getting phone calls from Chris that his truck tires were popping. First one, then another. We had the debit card, so we rushed to Norman to "save him". After that, there was nothing to do before the huge fireworks, so we came home and did more stuff around here, which was a bummer, considering we were hoping to goof off all day and do nothing that had to do with the house. By the evening, I was horribly depressed.
My parents have volunteered their time this coming weekend to help out, which I will really appreciate. I am looking forward to their being here, even though they have done so much. They always seem to be there when I really need them. Maybe we can do something fun with them too!!
Well, I need to get some laundry done. Please keep us in prayer and Brett and Amy, if you guys check this, WE MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Till next time!!
I am exhausted because at night, when I really need to be asleep, I am overwhelmed with all the stuff still to do. This week I really struggled with just wishing we could have gone back in time and still lived at "home" in St. Joe. I miss Brett, Amy, Abram and Sophie more than ever. Living with them was "home". We could be ourselves and have a good time and there was someone to confide in and lean on and share cleaning advice and fireworks with and we all could sit outside and enjoy the racoons. :-).
I miss them more this week than ever. As much as I am thankful God has given us a nice place, I am so exhausted from the trials that He has allowed to come our way. I thought it would bring our family closer together, but in actuality, once again, it is me doing all the hard work and feeling frustrated that I am the only one interested in making this a place where people can come and hang out. I think at this point, I would buy the lot next to us and buy a house to put there if I could have Brett, Amy and their family here with us. I guess they were so much like family to us than anything we have ever experienced with friends. And with all that has happened so far this summer, I don't know when we will see them again. We had hoped to see them this summer and spend more time together than we did over spring break.
Anyways, please be praying for us, especially me. I am afraid of what my exhaustion and overwhelmed feelings will do to my family. We are still eating on the floor and sitting in lawn chairs. I need help checking the huge furniture over to either toss it or wipe it down but I can't do it alone. I tried to tip the couch over the last time the kids and I were in storage and I about flipped it on myself.
I wanted to do something fun with the kids yesterday to reward them for being so patient in all this. We were going to spend the entire day at the Tuttle ice cream festival. We went to the parade and saw it with Josh and Misty and Dacia. Then we headed to the festival. Nathaniel entered the ice cream eating contest for the boys 6-8 category and won 4th place. He was really proud. Then they played in a huge pile of sand they had there and we rode on a little train for free and they both dunked a police officer in the dunk tank. Then we watched the turtle races, which was really cool. Off and on during this we kept getting phone calls from Chris that his truck tires were popping. First one, then another. We had the debit card, so we rushed to Norman to "save him". After that, there was nothing to do before the huge fireworks, so we came home and did more stuff around here, which was a bummer, considering we were hoping to goof off all day and do nothing that had to do with the house. By the evening, I was horribly depressed.
My parents have volunteered their time this coming weekend to help out, which I will really appreciate. I am looking forward to their being here, even though they have done so much. They always seem to be there when I really need them. Maybe we can do something fun with them too!!
Well, I need to get some laundry done. Please keep us in prayer and Brett and Amy, if you guys check this, WE MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Till next time!!
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